I’m really an open minded person, but you are just too hairy for me.

You told me you liked my ‘ponch’. PONCH! Really?!

I know how often you look at your cellphone…even when you’re with me that thing is like your air supply. So the fact that you haven’t returned any of my texts because ‘you’ve been so busy” is complete bullshit. Use your brain and don’t worry you don’t need to call me any more. I won’t answer anyways.

You’re brave but you’re an idiot. Never eat glass to impress a girls family again.

You’re a lunatic. Jesus god, you’re a loony toon.

Your laugh makes me want to hurt someone in the face.

You make me feel like a crazy person, so in turn I act like a crazy person…causing you to treat me like a crazy person…which only makes me feel more crazy. Break the chain.

Why is bitchiness directly proportional to cuteness? I’m going to find a jolly fat girl and spend the rest of my life with her.

I got dumped because I wouldn’t “sext message” while I was at work.

You get drunk and try to wrestle with me. I’m 3/4 your size idiot.

As I write this you are sitting beside me in the car. Singing. Singing badly. God it sounds bad. Please drive faster. I can’t stand it.

You’re so vain you probably think this dumped tale is about you.

You think Rick Perry is worth a damn.

You’re not as hot as you think you are.

I spent 2 years encouraging you to see a shrink about your Borderline Personality Disorder. So you finally went to a psychiatrist. And slept with him.

You put on a “Fuck Me” dress and went to your high school reunion without me.

Just because YOU didn’t think it was cheating, doesn’t mean it wasn’t.

You are a Chronic Cheater. You’ve cheated on every boyfriend or husband you’ve ever had. All I had to do was wait…

You twitch in your sleep

I caught you searching for the Linkedin profile of the guy who knocked you up 20 years ago.

My professional jealousy became too much for even me to take.

You kept emailing dirty pictures of yourself to my work email account!

You would break into a flop sweat every time I brought up the subject of birth control.

You were blocking photos of yourself on facebook from your fat days.

I’ve never really had an eye for detail but your fucking eyebrows are gnarly.