Archive for May, 2011

You didn’t know what Memorial Day was celebrating. What’s worse is that you thought it had something to do with breast cancer.

May 30, 2011 - No Comments

You can’t hold your liquor and you never know when to say when.

May 29, 2011 - No Comments

You decided to sunbathe topless while we were on my dad’s boat with my entire family.

May 29, 2011 - No Comments

You’d never put on a dress. It’s not like you were a tomboy or anything, you just refused to wear one. Even to my sisters wedding.

May 29, 2011 - No Comments

Your idol is Matthew McConaughey. ‘Nuff said.

May 28, 2011 - No Comments

Spit it out, I don’t have all day to sit around and wait for you to make your point.

May 28, 2011 - No Comments

You talk too much and I’d rather have a fish on my line than you.

May 28, 2011 - No Comments

You look like a pervy dude with that hat on. I got to dump you.

May 27, 2011 - No Comments

You claimed to be allergic to anything that wasn’t fried.

May 27, 2011 - No Comments

You did so much tanning your face looked like it would make a good handbag.

May 27, 2011 - No Comments

I dumped you because you don’t like Steely Dan.

May 27, 2011 - No Comments

I’m pretty sure you have a very intense and very disturbing secret eating habit.

May 24, 2011 - No Comments

You say ‘retarded’

May 24, 2011 - No Comments

If you had been honest about liking country music I would have been cool…but you lied. Lied lied lied.

May 24, 2011 - No Comments

I dumped her on the plane ride to meet her best friends from college. F- you, you want the aisle seat! I’m 6’4″ you’re 5″4′…she whined the whole way to the airport and into the terminal. Then downed a giant “Skinny” Latte and couldn’t sleep and she needs  to borrow my iPhone to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall for the 50 millionth time.

May 22, 2011 - No Comments

The bad news for you…I know how often you look at your phone. The bad news for me you’ve been ignoring me for months. So I guess we aren’t going to dinner 3 weeks ago.

May 22, 2011 - No Comments

You left a note with Fleetwood Mac Lyrics on my pillow. I guess that was your way of breaking up with me AND letting me know you cheated on me.

May 22, 2011 - No Comments

When you get drunk you call me bro.

May 21, 2011 - No Comments

You have no appreciation for Ron Swanson.

May 21, 2011 - No Comments

You spend more time avoiding me than you spend with me.

May 21, 2011 - No Comments

You’re simply the worst.

May 20, 2011 - No Comments

I dumped him via text message the day after he seriously asked me if Canada was a state before Hawaii. I’m from Vancouver.

May 20, 2011 - No Comments

I dumped my boyfriend because I asked him to take several bags of clothes to Goodwill. I was surprised to find two homeless people rifling through my old clothes in his dumpster.

May 20, 2011 - No Comments

You poked holes in the condoms we used, intentionally trying to get me pregnant. Glad I was on birth control.

May 15, 2011 - No Comments

Perhaps next time when choosing a rebound partner, you’ll pick one who can fulfill your desire for fresh-baked scones on Saturday mornings, dusting the conservatory, and wiping your ass, and not one who has a job or a life.

May 15, 2011 - No Comments