Archive for March, 2011

Because you were a walking contradiction, and I just didn’t want to deal with trying to explain you to people anymore.

Mar 27, 2011 - No Comments

You posted some pictures and told people they were are kids. News to me.

Mar 27, 2011 - No Comments

You kept talking about how you wanted “the magic of a first date.” I figured it was only a matter of time before you dumped me to start dating someone else. So I dumped you and you know what? The first date I had after dumping you was magic!

Mar 27, 2011 - No Comments

Your house is decorated with pictures of your ex husband.

Mar 26, 2011 - No Comments

We went to couples therapy and the therapist said you were looney. So I dumped you and asked out the therapist.

Mar 26, 2011 - No Comments

You said that was poison oak, but I don’t buy it. What were you doing running around the woods naked?

Mar 26, 2011 - No Comments

Your self promotion on facebook was annoying, not only to me, but to everyone else who’s news feed you flooded.

Mar 26, 2011 - No Comments

You just plain never had time for me. I went 3 weeks without so much of a text, then you said I was clingy.

Mar 25, 2011 - No Comments

You threw a football at my head, on purpose, resulting in a Marsha Brady broken nose.

Mar 25, 2011 - No Comments

You are obsessed with pop up video. I can’t take it.

Mar 25, 2011 - No Comments

You only used words like “sure” and “fine” I could never satisfy you.

Mar 25, 2011 - No Comments

You sung Katy Perry all the time. Enough is enough!

Mar 24, 2011 - No Comments

Your car ALWAYS smelled like In N Out Burger.

Mar 24, 2011 - No Comments

The fish you planted in my desk at work was not the funniest practical joke after it got me fired.

Mar 24, 2011 - No Comments

I’ve always been scared of being controlling or smothering, but when i’ve been away for 8 months I think it is reasonable to excpect you to make time to see me – not your friend (who you can see all year round), on at least one of the days off you have a week.

Mar 24, 2011 - No Comments

I never again want to hear the words “You don’t…” “You won’t…:” “You hate…” “You never…” “You used to….” or “My son says….”

Mar 23, 2011 - No Comments

You’re obese, sweaty, rude, narcissistic, and you can’t last in bed for more than 1.5 minutes. Sorry dude, I need a stallion, not a coin operated mall ride.

Mar 23, 2011 - No Comments

I know everyone has gas, but your gas sounds like a street performer warming up for a nights work.

Mar 23, 2011 - No Comments

Your apartment is like an old folks home for plants.

Mar 23, 2011 - No Comments

You still think that calling someone Captain Obvious is the greatest joke ever.

Mar 23, 2011 - No Comments

You puked in cans and cups and the one good cooking pot we had and never cleaned up after yourself until we yelled at you for being so gross. Which was a daily occurence. It was over before it ever had a chance…

Mar 22, 2011 - No Comments

My Dating Program  said that you are not a natural  giver and that I should leave you now.

Mar 22, 2011 - No Comments

You told me you called your Mom to pick out your shirt for our first date. I’m sure your Mom is lovely…but I hated the shirt you wore…

Mar 22, 2011 - No Comments

I met you outside a bar….and then every time we met to go out….it was outside that bar…it took a few weeks but I final realized you were homeless.

Mar 22, 2011 - No Comments

All it took were the following three questions…and you were out the door. 1. Will you go shopping with me? 2. Where are you going? 3. If I was Jennifer Aniston and you were Brad Pitt…would you leave me for Angelina Jolie?

Mar 22, 2011 - No Comments