you stole money from our neighborhood bum.

you’re 38 and have a keg in your bedroom.

i don’t mind role playing.  but pretending we’re your parents is a fantasy you’re going to have to play out on your own.

you really are a red headed step child.

you got fat.  and turned into a bitch.

you couldn’t sleep without a noise machine set to heartbeat and i’m pretty confident that you’re a serial killer.

you said “yee haw” when you orgasimed…….

your status updates were too depressing.  consider yourself “hidden”

you quit your job to follow lebron to miami.

you scratched your back with my toilet brush.

You were dumped when you decided I’d ever enjoy your dump…on my chest.

Now that I know you.  I don’t understand how you’ve ever had a girlfriend.

I’m a girl.  You’re a guy.  Why do you have tampons in your gym bag?

Because you jumped off a bridge.

I dumped you because the only time we would have sex was when you were asleep.  It really started to affect my sleeping schedule.  I can’t have that.  And now you can’t have THIS.

People say to look at the mother if you want to know what your girlfriend will look like when you’re older.  I just wanted you to look like your mother now.

You got dumped because I am a sex machine, and you are a sex abacus.

I dumped you because I went to your family reunion and all of your family members thought I was your roommate.  So I corrected them… Ex roommate.

You got dumped because I thought it was a better alternative to going to jail for punching you in the face!

You told me I was completely “unprofessional’ in our relationship.

You tried to make me feel bad about not wanting to stay over at your house after you complained about how you found roaches in your bed and your food.

You dressed in women’s clothes. I’m just not that into drag queens.

You got dumped because you wouldn’t tell the cats to get out of the bed for me after them crawling on my face. So gross.

You said you wanted to wait any where from 2 months to a year before we had sex. I’ll just wait it out….call me when you’re ready. In the meantime…lets explore other options shall we?

You were sent here to tempt me into ruining my life….weren’t you?