You straight up said that your mother is the only person who can love you the way you want to be loved. BUH BYE.

Yes, I’ve heard of the company you work for. Shut up about it.

The fact that you’ve asked me the same “getting to know you” questions every time we meet leads me to believe you’re “getting to know” quite a few people.

I really didn’t like that you encouraged me to walk around your apartment without my shirt on while your roommate was home.

I can’t understand a word you’re saying when your hammered and that’s like 70% of the time.

I don’t want to spend anymore Sundays shootin the shit with the locals at Starbucks.

Your comb-over got too ridiculous and even though I told you time and time again I loved the way you looked when you didn’t use a barrel of gel to hide the top of your head you had to do it anyways. I’m sorry to do this but you look like someone gave you a swirly.

You started wearing a bowler hat.

You constantly turn your shit around on me. I’m so sorry your job tires you out. Gosh, that must be really hard on you. Shut up. Be a man. Grow a pair.

You can’t build a relationship via text.

She spent all my money…and I got dumped.

You have self-control and I do not. This will never work.

I’m so glad your life is awesome. If it’s so good without me then why did we even bother dating?

I kind of just wish you were better.

You think I’m a flake…maybe you should take a hint.

Despite how cute you think it is, my body is not your drum .

foreplay. please look it up.

Your home has a constant scent of garbage…but it’s very unclear and unsettling as to where it is coming from.

I asked you to move in with me. You put the fear of god into me by saying “if I wasn’t intending to marry you I should never ask you to move in”. So I thought about it, and asked you again to move in. You declined saying you never want to get married.

Girls who go to strip clubs….

You’re a 28 year old man who on a first date took a 28 year old woman to a comic book store.

Just sit up straight and stop wearing socks with sandals.

I’m never ever going to memorize every Quentin Tarantino movie. That is useless and unnecessary information for my life.

You can’t only be nice to me when I’m in bed with you and expect that I’ll keep getting into bed with you.

I could smell the desperation coming off of you.